I used to feel guilty over everything. I felt guilty because I felt like I could never do enough for my family. I felt guilty because I could never balance my time to fit everything in my overbooked life. I felt guilty because I couldn’t make my marriage work……oh there is a list of guilt a mile long.
Last night, I had to tell my son that I would not (could not) but him a $100 skateboard he had his heart set on. Basically, because being a single mom, sometimes finances can get kind of tight. Of course, he didn’t understand and as I was leaving to go to the grocery store he blurted out, “Have fun at the store Mom, maybe you can go buy yourself some makeup!” I never said a word back to him, got in the car and drove to the store to buy food for the ungrateful little kid who, under my watch, with never become an entitled little creep.
Nevertheless, when I got in the car, I felt it….guilt.
I called my mom, who also happens to be the best friend I have ever had in my entire life. I told her what happened as I cried because I couldn’t rationalize buying a $100 skateboard, or fit it into my tight budget this month.
She told me this…
“Don’t ever apologize to your children because you can’t buy them whatever they want! I never apologized to you guys growing up. So what, you had to say NO. Adam will get over it.”
She was right! Adam gave me the silent treatment all night. He would mutter some insults under his breath as he was telling me that he was going to go to bed early. I acted like I didn’t hear the insults and told him to have a good night and I loved him.
This morning, he climbed in bed with me and gave me some extra hugs. We laughed and tickled each other and played with the new puppy and all was right with the world again.
Then this happened…..
One of the things that always made me feel incredibly guilty is taking time for me! Just me. Only me!
We went to my exchange students soccer game and I parked under a big shade tree behind the chain link fence that had a perfect view of the game. My suggestion: Let’s sit here and enjoy the game. (Other parents do the same thing). Ohhhhh you should have heard the grumbling that came out of this car from my daughter and my nieces. It’s not fair!!! This is stupid!! I’m not sitting here!!! Blah Blah Blahhhhhhh!!! I gave them the cash and told them to go sit on the bleachers and enjoy the game. Funny thing….Adam leaned on my shoulder as he was leaving to go watch the game and gave me a big kiss. “I love you Mom!” As he walked away.
So today….instead of feeling guilty, I have decided not to. I have decided that it’s ok to say no sometimes. It’s ok to enjoy a little time to myself….underneath a shade tree watching the soccer game by myself. It’s funny, they think I’m over here probably mad or upset because they didn’t want to sit here. Little do they know, that was actually the best $20 I’ve ever spent! Nothing wrong with a little bit of peace and quiet every now and then. I don’t get it very often.
it’s ok to just….Be still.